Updated: Mar. 09, 2024
Belly-laugh at funny Valentine quotes that are rich in wit, sarcasm and clever commentary about love
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate that special someone in your life. You may look for the most gorgeous flowers, the sweetest Valentine’s Day ideas and even the perfect Valentine’s Day card to gift your sweetheart. Sure, romance is important, but you know what else is? Humor, and lots of it. That’s where funny Valentine quotes come into play.
These sweet and funny Valentine’s Day quotes poke fun at love, relationships, marriage and other hilarious affairs of the heart. If you love Valentine’s Day memes (and jokes too!), share these witty words with your valentine and you’ll immediately have them in stitches.Enjoy the laughs—and the love!
Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more insight on holidays, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.
Funny Valentine quotes for her
rd.com
1. “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on Feb. 13. Get back together on the 15th.” —David Letterman
2. “I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” —Jonathan Swift
3. “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” —Dorothy Parker
4. “My heart’s in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there.” —Carrie Fisher
5. “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!” —Joan Rivers
7. “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” —Tracy Smith
8. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” —Melanie White
9. “The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.” —Lewis Black
10. “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Funny Valentine quotes for him
rd.com
11. “I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants. Love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore!” —Mike Birbiglia
12. “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” —Robert Orben
13. “Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!” —Jay Leno
14. “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” —Henry A. Kissinger
15. “The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.” —Jay Leno
16. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” —Chris Rock
17. “If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.” —Ryan Gosling
18. “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy: her heart.” —Melanie Griffith
19. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” —Henny Youngman
Funny Valentine quotes for singles
RD.com
20. “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” —Lewis Black
21. “Valentine’s Day: rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time.” —Emma McLaughlin
22. “Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.” —Adam Rippon
23. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” —Lily Tomlin
24. “He or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed.” —Tom Robbins
Looking for some cheesy romance this Valentine’s Day? Here are some Valentine’s Day pickup lines that will make sure crush blush.
Funny Valentine quotes about love
RD.com
25. “Love is a misunderstanding between two fools.” —Oscar Wilde
26. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” —Albert Einstein
27. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” —Pearl Bailey
28. “Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.” —Sean Connery
29. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” —Jules Renard
30. “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” —Estelle Getty
31. “Love is being stupid together.” —Paul Valéry
32. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
33. “Love is just a chocolate substitute.” —Melanie Clark Pullen
34. “My life’s accomplishments? Sanity, and you.” —Elizabeth Gilbert
35. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” —Arthur Dewar
36. “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” —Blaise Pascal
37. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” —Charles M. Schulz
38. “First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 B.C.: Men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.” —Kristen Schaal
39. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” —George Burns
40. “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” —Stephen Colbert
41. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” —Mae West
42. “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” —Trevor Noah
Funny Valentine quotes for married couples
RD.com
43. “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” —Rita Rudner
44. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” —Oscar Wilde
45. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
46. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” —Rodney Dangerfield
47. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” —Jerry Seinfeld
48. “The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.'” —George Lopez
49. “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card—American Express.” —Milton Berle
50. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
51. “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
Funny Valentine quotes for Galentine’s Day
RD.com
52. “What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.” —Leslie Knope
53. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January.” —Jim Gaffigan
54. “We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.” —Leslie Knope
55. “Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” —Jimmy Fallon
56. “You rainbow-infused, space unicorn.” —Leslie Knope
57. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles M. Schulz
58. “If there’s a law against friendship, lock me up.” —Leslie Knope
59. “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” —Melanie Clark Pullen
60. “Uteruses before duderuses … Ovaries before brovaries.” —Leslie Knope
Next up, enjoy these fun Valentine’s Day trivia questions on all things love with your special someone.
